The Misfortunes of the King
by Pollux Unbound
Summary: I happen to be the new king of Hueco Mundo. But the Quincies attacked and captured the queen, who happens to be Halibel. So damn if Kurosaki is thinking she and I are… well, he can't be the jealous type, can he? And then there's this brat Nel... GrimmIchi One-shot


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

Note: Errors here and there, most likely.

…

So he blasted Ulquiorra's ass to oblivion like some mysterious devil who knew no mercy, or something of that sort. Fact was, no one saw what was coming until one of them got done in for good. As for me, I saw no reason why he had to have me healed by that Inoue chick, as though he owed it to me to be magnanimous and shit. And that's not mentioning he was the one who fucked me over in the first place. Except for Nnoitora's grand entry, which involved blindsiding me right off the bat with his gigantic Zanpakotou, Kurosaki Ichigo dealt ALL of the injuries I sustained. Duh. He really did that, as if originality were something he regularly exercised, when I, the aggrieved party, just about had him healed much earlier-by the same chick, mind you!

But all that happened a year and a half ago. Now was a time of reigning over the weak. I had recently ascended to rank and reclaimed my former post, that is, kingship… over fucking morons and weaklings or the combination thereof. Well, to hell with that shit. You see, Aizen, Gin and Tousen had just been done in by the Shinigami, and so had Starrk and Barragan. So when the government of Hueco Mundo was put into question, I wasted no time to impose on everyone the inherent right I possessed, only to be intercepted right off by a certain bitch. You can imagine my surprise when she popped out of nowhere like some pauper in disguise. On a side note, just how was it that Starrk and Barragan were dead and this witch alive? Obviously, I'd prefer Starrk any given day over this ho, who dressed like a...ho. Moving on, as she was Tercera Espada, like three fucking ranks high above me, I had to honor her opinion somehow. In the end, she was declared queen, while I took on the role of a measly king. At that time, I thought I might never know what evil I had allied myself with, but I did know that this alliance had doomed my future.

As far as I was concerned, the wretchedness of this arrangement seemed enough to speak for itself. My problem was, Halibel surrounded herself with noisy bitches who were exactly the sort who'd do me, their king, much favor by adapting a new fashion sense, which required the separation of their heads from their necks. But since Halibel, their queen, was so fond of them, I was often left with no choice but to simply steer clear of their way. Needless to say my kingship did not translate well to my actual preferences, I began to yearn for a change of environment. I was then so fucking bored and annoyed, and was perhaps wishing for a visit from a specific _someone_, when lo! Quincies started falling from the sky!

The excitement their arrival brought was exactly the sort which had the power to alter my fading hope for a change! So there they were, defying gravity and rigor mortis both when…shit. They were kicking Halibel's ass-right in front of my eyes. Or so it seemed. Whatever it was that they were doing, it was very reminiscent of a preamble to slitting one's throat or to something that had very little to do with purity...therefore something which would make me puke my guts-like all of them guts. And who in hell in his right mind would wish to puke his guts in front of Quincies? Not me. Nevertheless, being her king, leaving her to kick the bucket was out of the question. But, then again, it wasn't like I was glad to be her partner in the first place. I guessed this was farewell; bye, Halibel, Queen of the Underworld! I'd have wanted to rule beside you but the heavens clearly decreed for you to die! And that was that, and don't you say I never even lifted a finger for her rescue because, if it isn't obvious enough, I had no business being hypocritical beyond any means, and especially not at such a critical time. Anyway, when she was captured, the scene quickly degenerated into a predictable show of tyranny and everything ugly. Here and there the Quincies were chaining every Arrancar they could get their hands on, as if in a contest where the one who got to murder the most number of Arrancars would win. For my part I resolved to turn away undetected, if only to gather my thoughts and to decide on an action once everything had been thought of. Or not.

While what transpired gave me the much needed adrenaline shot, it occurred to me that I didn't know where I was going. If those bastards were off to take over Hueco Mundo then there probably was a reason for me to be frightened. Maybe. Just so you know, I wasn't running away from them. In any case, while hobbling away I tripped into something small.

"Ouch! Goddamit!"

Really, was anybody asking for a fucking stumble just now? I looked down on me to find a runt of a fucking Arrancar crouching beneath my shadow. Jesus. At a time like this it was easy to tell no one would wish for the slightest lapse on his own luck, let alone wish himself to trip over a damned toddler who, I was sure, was gonna be a crying son of a gun or otherwise noisy as hell. But then it was a little girl… it was Neliel Tu Oderschvanc-kid version.

"Grimmjow-thama. They've captured Halibel-thama. What thhall we do?"

Just as I thought. She was howling like a baby and trembling like some idiot left outside to freeze, and _lisping_ like shit to top it off.

"The hell. How about you just turn yourself in and get yourself killed? That should solve yer problems." I advised.

She gasped, the size of her eyes going well beyond credible. I hated this. I hated it when former Espada brats refused to believe anything I said when I was just about kind enough to be completely earnest. So I was on the brink of kicking her head out of my way when she started to sob hysterically. I started to look around to check our surroundings. Surprisingly, no Quincy was heading our way...Just what was happening? Why, one would have to be deaf and blind, even dead perhaps, or entirely retarded NOT to give a damn hoot about all the wailing assaulting the air.

"I want Ichigo! If he were you, he'd thave me and wouldn't thay nathty thtuff!"

Even as she yapped and yapped about not having to cry, she went on wailing like crazy-why? Because fuck logic, that's why. Right about this time, it sank on me that, in most cases, it took a special kind of unluckiness to end up having a brat for a company after having your sovereign torn down to ruin by an army of Quincies. But, then, did she just mention Ichigo? Jeez. In this occasion, I was merely asking for a damned peace of mind, a minute of silent repose and not the lordship of fucking Las Noches, yet, all the same, someone thought it funny to throw _another_ goddamned Tercera Espada at me.

"What the fuck did you say?"

"I thaid, I'm going to Ichigo! I hate you, Grimmjow-thama!"

Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo, she said, and just like that a little girl, who in all manner of consideration was supposed to be inconsequential, was suddenly taking a toll on my sanity. Obviously, all the expletives tilting over the tip of my tongue were ripped away by her claim about managing to fly over where Kurosaki was. If she could pull off something that awesome it should follow I, Sexta Fucking Espada, could come up with something more awesome. Yes, I would flit to where Kurosaki was…and I was fucking going insane. Godammit.

"Dafuq, you brat, Kurosaki ain't gonna salvage you from shit of this caliber. You mark my words."

"Pffftttt." She blew raspberries at me.

Well. Having established the fact that I had by now just about covered two lifetimes' worth of arguing with a toddler who, apparently, couldn't tell the difference between logic and crazies, I started to walk away, for real.

"Sheesh. Just die."

"Where are you going?!"

"To Kurosaki, duh."

I. Fucking. Said. That.

"Why are you copying Nel?"

"Oh, for the love of god, just go away and be annoying somewhere else!"

"I'm really going to Ichigo. You can't go because you've been banned from entering Karakura, pfffttt." She blew raspberries again and, to be quite fucking honest, it nearly drove me _nuts_. Really, now, had fate recently got into the habit of throwing Tercera Espadas at me, as some serious obstacle, to defer whatever shit I might wanna pull? Having said that, I had about a couple of options remaining; I could chuck this brat into some deep pit and pretend it was an accident, or just walk away, walk away and murmur repeatedly to myself that no such brat whose name was Nel ever existed.

"Piss off."

"You wanna come too, I know! But you can't! So if there'th thomething you wanna tell Ichigo I'll give him the methage, but not before I tell him Hueco Mundo hath been conquered and the queen defeated. I'll probably tell him the King hath abandoned uth to thave hith own neck!"

Psychosis taking over in 5...4...3... seven seconds _ago_. If I fucking get my hands on her, I swear to god she won't be getting any chance to feel sorry for herself afterwards, I thought.

I must have gaped at her. Aside from the anxiety-inducing lisp and the shriek-like voice, the atrocities coming out of her mouth were enough to dispatch me to a deeper hell. From this point on, she stood as the grossest misuse of a body of a child in the history of Hueco Mundo. Why, if I remained standing there, it must have been because I was hoping to find ways to make her die on her own so as to acquit myself with the guilt of infanticide in the near future. Just then, I found myself murmuring obscene things as to what sort of torture she deserved, and in the preceding second what hadn't occurred to me before now was suddenly occurring to me!

If I were King of Hueco Mundo, and Halibel the Queen, any person with normal intellect could easily assume we were married! And 'any person', if you had guessed it right, included Kurosaki! Well, I wasn't the hysterical type, and sometimes there was fun in throwing around stupid gossips, like Jaggerjack-Halibel nuptials, but only if I were under some heavy medication. Since I wasn't medicating nor was I recently diagnosed with some severe retardation, my way forward was clear: Kurosaki. Must. Not. Hear. Of. This.

So, as this only served to compound my frustration, I whirled around to intercept the brat from diving into lord knew where.

Too late.

She had launched herself up the sky, propelled by god knew what sort of sorcery, and onto the living world…where Kurosaki was! This was just bad; hell, if anything. So something like this really had to happen. Someone had to take the idea of ratting on my situation-my being king and Halibel's queenship-to the last person I'd wish it to be ratted on. On the bright side, Kurosaki probably wasn't the jealous type. Or was he?

So I waited for days for the stupid brat to come back. If I had something you'd call luck, she'd have Kurosaki with her. Now if I were really lucky, Kurosaki wouldn't believe a word of what the runt yapped about. On the other hand, if nothing was to ever go right, I was sure it wouldn't take long to establish the truth of the matter, if you considered the fact that all this shit was relayed by a drooling runt. Moving on, I was currently so busy thinking, as I was being bombarded by intrusive thoughts, that I hardly noticed the arrival of someone.

Someone happened to be Kurosaki Ichigo himself! I was beside myself with excitement and was all jittery with joy when I realized he wasn't alone.

"I told ya Ichigo ith gonna thave us." I heard the brat's voice. Just what did I expect? But, more importantly, who the fuck gave her the permission to stick so close to _him_?

"Shut up, kid, or I'll cero that big head of yours."

"Calm down, Grimmjow." Kurosaki said warningly. So those were the first words he said to me, after two fucking years of complete absence. So much for a grand reunion. While indignation was overriding me, I realized I had been duped by my goddamned informers. My brilliant sources told me Kurosaki had in fact grown taller and was now wearing his hair somewhat long, but fucking details? Why no one bothered to mention he'd gone hotter exponentially I could not have guessed. And what was with the attitude? Well, the conduct was something I could at least leave alone. The looks, however, were something I could ignore as long as I was roaming six feet under and not breathing. Anyway, he continued, "I heard this place is crawling with Quincies. Care to elaborate?"

"The place is crawling with Quincy bastards." Was my helpful response. Goddamit, was this his style? Coming over me for no better reason than to chat when I was in no mood for it?

"Grimmjow-thama ith copying Ichigo!"

"I said shut up, brat!" I _screamed_ at the toddler. By and by I was given reason after reason not to spare her, so that by the time the exchange had covered a full two minutes I could as well be justified if I ended up strangling this pseudo-infant.

"I see. So I heard you've been the king since Aizen's capture. Congrats?" Ichigo resumed. Somehow, I got the feeling that he was sure he was asking noninvasive questions, when he might as well have asked for the color of my underwear.

"That's right."

"Still the smirking type, aren't we? Well, Grimmjow, let's go and save _your_ queen."

The word 'queen' was emphasized with a heavy intonation, make no mistake about that.

"…" That shut me up big time. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. So he slid down to hell, looking unaffected and uncaring for anything he should be indignant about, while deep inside he was boiling with jealousy.

"Leth go thave Halibel-thama!"

"Brat, shut the hell up! What the hell is wrong with you?" Really, I desperately wished I could just wrench her away from Kurosaki to wring her little neck! For the life of me, I coundn't find any reason as to why she was testing my patience to this extent and making me shout out heatedly, when all I ever wanted was to appear mature in front of the Shinigami.

"Cool down, Grimmjow. Shall we? We're fighting side by side for the first time. This is gonna be fun, I'm sure." He smiled at me. Now, there were perceptive people and there were morons. I chose to fall on the former category, by the way. So to speak, he was brimming with jealousy, as far as my sensible eyes could tell. Smiling around as though no pain was brewing inside-why, that had to be the oldest trick in the book.

"I'm not married to that Halibel bitch." I fucking blurted aloud even though he wasn't asking for any explanation. Jesus. To my credit, my mouth most likely sprang a life of its own. But never mind that. He was staring straight at me without the least of reservation.

"Oh… Really?"

"Yeah, really! There'th no way Halibel-thama would marry him, duh, becauth he'th jutht Sextha Ethpada while she'th Terthera Ethpada, you know."

This time, I didn't tell Neliel to shut the hell up. Perhaps it would be best if she did all the explaining, ridiculous as her accounts were. But then again perhaps I didn't hear anything and hadn't availed myself of this abject humiliation. In any case, that would do, if I wanted to stop this shit from escalating to some unnecessary drama.

"Is she telling the truth, Grimmjow?"

"Sure, why not?"

"So… there's nothing between you and her, the queen."

Well, this could go on forever in a languid pace. It could even be excruciating, what with the presence of the brat. Good thing I had my talent to thank for having things cleared up.

"Absolutely nothing…let's kill some Quincies, Shinigami."

I unsheathed Pantera, took on a warrior stance, and was about to launch myself, when the brat's ear-splitting voice pierced through the horizon,

"You thee, Ichigo, Thextha Ethpada ith thingle. No need to be jealouth. Maybe you can kissth each other now."

"Shut up!" We both told her.

END


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